The Truth About Depression

For years I have battled with severe depression and deep feelings of low self-worth. If you were to view my life from the outside without knowing a thing about me, you would not see that battle. You would see a good looking, financially independent man, who had many skills and interests and who joked around so much that there would be little indication of the war that waged within me. It wasn't that I was hiding it, well, maybe with the constant smiles and joking, it was more that I felt like no one was really interested in my battle. And why would they be? They all had their own lives to live after all. So feeling that way, I communicated little to others about what was going on with me. I was always 'stupendous' when asked.

Once in a while I asked around as to the 'solution' to this back and forth depression and then feeling really good at times. And I got lots of answers. From therapists, New Age gurus, satsang leaders, seminar leaders, motivational speakers, friends, ministers, and people who seemed knowledgeable about life. I quite literally watched hundreds of videos, and attended workshops, seminars, church, and different meetings. I even became a highly trained initiate in many of these practices, but not one of them ever really answered my question which was how do I handle all this going on inside of me so that I'm O.K? And then that's when I discovered the most interesting and useful answer of all.

There wasn't one.

And that in fact, if there was ever one that was going to work, it was going to have to come from me.

There wasn't one single answer, because there are as many ways to view the same situation as there are people in the world. Ask a minister, and you will get the ministerial point of view. And not even the "ministerial" point of view, but his or her particular ministerial point of view. Or ask a carpenter, a baker, a politician, or therapist, it's all the same. You will always receive an answer based on their conceptualization of events. Right or wrong, that's the way it is. Each person filters the data you give them through their screens and out comes the way they think it would be handled best. No matter that some of the answers I got were totally destructive, or completely non-nurturing. What mattered to these 'well intentioned' people was that I got the one that they believed in. I highlight 'well intentioned' because though they believed they were well intentioned, my sense was that most of them were more interested in telling me what was 'right' from their own particular world view, rather than looking to actually see what was right for me.

So ultimately, I was forced to decide for myself what was actually right for me out of this sticky morass of opinion, talk, conceptualization, and flood of 'answers.' Forced, because had I not done that, had I not become the 'seeker' I fear I would not have lived as long as I have. And happy I am to have lived this long because it wasn't until recently that I discovered a simple fact that has served to forever free me from the morass of depression I was slowly, slowly, drowning within.

You see, I always blamed myself for the way I felt. Like there was something 'wrong' with my personality. Like I was in fact wrong for feeling the way I did. Wrong, instead of responsible. Of course I was responsible for my feelings, they were mine after all, but even though they were mine, that didn't mean that I was deliberately creating them. Not at all. They just popped up, and I couldn't figure out why. Why? What was their source? Why in the midst of a life that was abundant, safe, and in so many ways was actually fulfilling, was I still depressed?

Sure, there were continuing situations that I was not happy with. Child custody injustices, money problems, health and relationship issues, and so on. But I dealt with my feelings over these events that I did not want in my life, and have always handled things by being responsible and taking care of myself and my family so that we were safe and nurtured. So what was the problem? If I had taken responsibility, and I had, if I had taken action to make sure I and those I loved were okay, then what the heck was I still feeling depressed for?

And then one day after reading a simple article on chemical imbalances in the brain it really hit me. After all these years of feeling like crap, of blaming myself for the way I felt, for making myself wrong for not getting off my ass and doing 'whatever it took' when I was in fact working my ass off to create in myself a better attitude, a better life, again, what the heck was going on? It was an article about the surgery I had had, a complete colectomy. Apparently the electrolyte imbalances and the gut fauna imbalances caused by the surgery can create glitches in brain chemistry in such a way as to produce, you got it, depression. Finally! Finally I had found a cause that pointed to something other than me being defective in some way, or wrong, or just not 'taking responsibility' for what was going on with me.

To say that I wasn't taking responsibility for my depression was like telling someone who has had ten beers in a row and is stumbling around, 'buddy, just be responsible for that you are feeling drunk and then whammo! you will walk straight and not get hit by that car.' In short, I call bullshit. There are just some very real physical reasons at times for the way we feel, far and away beyond the actual circumstances in our lives that as shitty as they can be, are not the only reasons we feel so bad. All of a sudden this huge weight was taken off my shoulders, and I felt in an instant, freer and more healthy than I have ever felt before in my entire life. Yes, of course I would still work on my attitude, because attitude is everything. Of course I would still strive to be a 'better person' a more loving Dad, a better friend, because that is just who I am. Always looking for ways to be more loving in the world. But now I wasn't the cause of all my feelings, the 'bad guy' who just couldn't get it together inside of himself.

Instead, I was human. A physical human who had finally found a physical reason for the way I felt at times, and in doing so, could manage my depression in a much more effective and powerful way than ever before. All of a sudden I was personally alright, not at fault, free from guilt and entirely forgiving of myself for all those years I suffered in pain over my 'failure' to cure myself, despite the horrendous amount of training and work I put myself through in order to get 'better.'

Thing was, I was better. But now something was different in my approach. Now, every day I lived I strove to be better, not to 'get' better, as if there was something 'wrong' with me, but rather, to gauge my betterness on the actions I took, rather than the internal struggle I had been going through. All of a sudden I was free, free from guilt, free from all the ridiculous 'advice' I got on how to 'correct' myself. Free from the huge burden of wondering what was wrong with me that none of their advice, systems, and dry, dead, conceptual worldviews about my life never really worked. They never worked not because they were wrong, in their view they were all correct, and they were right. Their world views never worked for me because not one other person except me holds the key to my own right for me solutions for my life.

If you battle with depression, and you are surrounded by a life situation that sucks, I can empathize with you. It isn't easy, and it certainly isn't made any easier to be immersed within a stressful situation, feeling bad about it, and then expect yourself to pick your butt up by the bootstraps and simply magically 'feel better.' It can happen I suppose, but I've never seen it. What I would invite you to do first of all, is to look for all the physical triggers, allergies, diet, rest, exercise, and so on, right from the beginning, before you go off feeling guilty for being broken and depressed.

Once you begin handling those, then go on and do your work on attitude and do those seminars, because then you will be more open to discovering what coaching actually resonates with you. Then go on and give yourself a break, because no one else will, they're too busy looking for their own break to do that. And who can blame them? That's what you're looking for aren't you? Besides, you are the only one who can ever give yourself a break anyway. As soon as you realize that, that's when you will finally be your own help, your own savior. Because no one but you can ever know or will ever know, what's right for you but you. What power you have. You go!

By Tom B. Wright

The Truth About Depression 2015-06-12T20:17:00-07:00 Rating: 4.5 Diposkan Oleh: Admin